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An Astronomic Asteroid is Arriving Anon!
By Stefanie “Turn your articles in!”
Ladies and Gentlemen, we may have a crisis on our hands. Right about the time that we’ll be spending money on our midlife crisis convertibles and heading out on those Caribbean cruises, a one-thousand foot chunk of space rock could be heading our way.
99942 Apophis is the asteroid which is predicted to hit our earth in 2029. Mind you, it has a 1 in 42,000 chance of hitting earth. Wait a minute! That’s a .0023% chance! If I were you, I would grab your Asteroid Emergency kit and head into the nuclear bomb shelter in your backyard! Some useful things to take into the shelter with you are: Your children (Seniors, in 2029, we’ll almost be 40), your Nintendo 64 (those things will never break), and your Oxford English Dictionary (Do I get extra credit for mentioning the OED, Ms Armstrong?). These will all come in handy at one point or another. Don’t worry about food. Chances are, you’ll have been stocking that shelter with dried food preserves and Gatorade for the last twenty years.
On the off chance that the asteroid doesn’t hit us in 2029, fast forward seven years and look to 2036. This year is even more deadly! There is approximately a .01% chance of at hit in 2036. That is an entire .0077% difference! The shock! The danger! Okay, forget 2029. The real peril lies in 2036!
There are three places in our general area around Earth that are called Key Holes. These are places that it is very easy to slip into an orbit around Earth that would cause reasonable suspicion that a Near Earth Object (NEO… Matrix, anyone?) could be launched in a direction right toward Earth.
Wait a minute. When have we ever gone down without a fight? We’re the superior race, and a little 1000 foot chunk of space rock isn’t going to scare us away. It seems, then, that we have several options:
One: Build an asteroid identical to this one and launch it up into space to hit it and direct it off its course toward us.
Two: Nuke it. We have the bombs lying around, don’t we? We could totally spare a few for an asteroid which could potentially cause more than $400 Billion in damage.
Three: Send a few space ships up to gently persuade it to turn around. One good push could send it right back where it came from.
Four: Cry to our mommies.
Four point oh: No wait, scratch that last one. Demand an audience with the Alien King who is directing it our way in the first place and threaten him with all the American Valor we can muster.
Students of St. Michael’s, this is a real threat. Do not take this article lightly, because if you do, you may be blasted into a thousand smithereens by an Asteroid.
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