An Expose of Reviews (AKA How To Review My Story)

Dear Readers on FanFiction.net,

I understand that you are busy, but now that you have read the chapter I have posted and I would greatly appreciate it if you would click on the button that says "Review this chapter!" and type something nice in the box.

It doesn't take long, and I love it when you do. However, there are a few guidelines I would like to share with you. (Names have been omitted for their safety, I suppose. All excerpts come from the "Not Knowing" list of reviews.)

This is not a good review:

It says nothing to me. It neither informs me of what I want to hear nor what I could possibly improve on. (Want to know what's even better? The same person reviewed every single chapter past chapter 10 with this review. That, my friends is 22 reviews of "Nice chapter." and I consider that spamming.)

This is also not a good review, but a little better.

The reason I don't appreciate this review is that there is no punctuation. And, like the last review, it's got no real content.

This is a pretty bad review, too:

I question whether or not you actually read the chapter, and that does not make for a very happy author.

However, not all reviews I receive are bad! Here is a better one.

In this, they very kindly told me that they read my stuff, but don't always push the button to review. I appreciate knowing that they're out there and, of course, I will keep writing for these people who occasionally pop up and tell me that they love me.

Also in the "Slightly better" category, you can find these kinds of reviews:

They try and appeal to my sense of pity and beg for more. This, however, does not make me improve at all. If you could improve your review, maybe I could improve my writing?

This is also an alright review. I'd take this, if anything.

However, they spelled "amazing" and "excellent" wrong and there is no capitalization at all... but other than that, they flattered me. They could improve on their wording a bit but overall, I appreciate these reviews.

And then, there are reviews that really flattered me (and still do), but could improve in the overall quality, such as this one.

Crystal Snowflakes is an amazing fic-writer, and when I received this review it practically sent me into spasms of delight. However, the all-caps thing and the 'byez' sends me into slightly less pleasant spasms.

Some reviews skip flattery and go straight into bribery.

And some reviews are just plain strange.

(There was more, but the indefiniteness of the screenshot should explain it all. To this day, I continue to use this review as a way to make me smile.)

And finally, here are the good reviews. These are the ones that make writing and putting myself out there worth it:

Thanks, person. You made a good point. I appreciate knowing that little part of information, especially because at age 14, I didn't know that little tidbit of information either. Glad you could point it out.

And then there's this one. (Well, an excerpt from it, since it was five paragraphs of solid constructive criticism.)

You know what? I want to kiss them. This review was one of the first reviews I ever received and it made me reevaluate where I was taking the story. It made me make better choices as a writer and made me eventually continue the story.

My dearest readers, you think that I am making fun of you, and I probably am, but I hope this brief guide to reviews has helped you make better choices.

So in conclusion, read it, review it, let me know if you love it or hate it.

Love, Stefanie.

P.S. Just because I am of a devious mind, I am going to show you Siobhan's first review to me and hopefully she will be mortified (or at least a tad embarrassed) at her shameless self-pluggedness at the end there. ;)

P.S.S. I have received really awful, vulgar reviews and for the sake of the relative cleanliness of this blog, I decided not to include the insulting ones. They aren't worth anything, but I wanted to let you know that not everything that I have received has been good.