I'll be honest - I have a problem with admitting that I am not perfect, and tonight, I really opened up to my friend Ally. She helped me realize that I have friends who I can depend on to help me... and be my guilt monkeys when I need someone to kick my arse into gear.
I have a habit of projecting the fact (or fiction) that I am totally put together and collected all the time, but in reality, of course I am totally not. In my mind, it is easier to project the image of being collected than it is to admit that I need some help. I struggle daily with the fact that I don't have it together all the time and it upsets me that I don't. Of course I know that nobody really has it together all the time, but for some reason, it really doesn't get through to me that it is okay that I don't.
I have these crazy expectations of myself to be perfect, and I believe that those expectations I have of myself are the same expectations that others (my parents, friends, and family) have of me.
The thing is, they're pretty high expectations that I wouldn't expect of anyone else. So why on earth would I expect them of myself? It has been something I have struggled with for a long time, but no matter what, I can't seem to get rid of them.
So when I don't do well, I shrug it off. If I don't make a big deal out of it, it won't mean a big deal to me. I can't help but feel like this is the wrong approach, because if it doesn't mean anything to me, how can I fix it?
After collectively drinking three (or four? I can't remember) pots of tea tonight, Ally encouraged me to write an "I need" and an "I want" list as a way to prioritize and set goals. I thought I'd share them with yall. They'll be on my wall for everyone to see.
I need...
-Grades that will keep me at the University of Texas. (I need A's and B's.)
-To consistently keep on top of reading assignments.
-To give myself permission to fail.
-To be me.
-To reconnect.
-To be okay with my vulnerability.
-To be honest with myself and others.
-To not brush it off.
-To eat breakfast.
I want...
-A companion.
-To (really) cook something every week.
-To not say 'no' so often and to take a chance.
-A lot.
-To learn something every day.
-To open up more. Truly open up.
-To write (and finish) another story.
-To try something different.
-To learn how to play a new song every month.
-To learn how to play that guitar sitting by my keyboard.
-To play the piano every day.
-To BE a writer.
In this way, these are kind of my new year's resolutions, but kind of not. I didn't really make resolutions this year... probably because I was afraid of what I would tell myself to do.
What I want for this blog is for it to be a place for my honest thoughts. It is tough to admit to some things and easier to admit to others... but here I am, telling you that I am not perfect. I don't make good grades all the time, and I don't want to eat my vegetables every day. I would rather eat a bar of chocolate than an apple, and I desperately hope that my really cute neighbor notices my new haircut. I am terrified of what the new semester will bring, and I really, really would love to run away right now, but I won't. I am facing the new semester with a vengeance and it better look out, 'cause Stefanie has arrived.
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