The Spanish Tragedy, for Non-English Majors

(Actually, this is The Spanish Tragedy, for Anyone. The original play was written in the sixteenth century. 'Nuff said.)

Inspired by my idea yesterday, I sat down and "breadboxed" the first act of The Spanish Tragedy. For those of you who are unfamiliar with "Breadbox Editions", they are shortened, amusing versions of books, plays, movies, usually written in script form. Google your favorite movie and add "breadbox edition" to the end of it, and someone has probably wrote one!

Because this is my blog, I want to share with you what I wrote!

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The Spanish Tragedy, Breadbox Edition

Act I

Scene i

Andrea: Hi, I’m a ghost. I died in the war against Portugal.

Revenge: Hi, Ghost of Don Andrea, I’m going to hang out with you on stage to the side.

Andrea: Cool. Did I mention I’m a ghost?

Revenge: Yeah, you did.

Scene ii - Court of Spain

King [of Spain]: Isn’t it great we won the war?

General: Yeah, except a bunch of people died.

King: Yeah, but we won!

General: It was pretty epic, now that you mention it. Plus, we took the Prince of Portugal and are ransoming him!

King: Great, we won AND we get the ransom money!

Hieronimo: My son, whom I previously ignored, fought and beat that Prince Balthazar dude. He’s a cool guy. Suddenly, I’m glad he’s my son.

Horatio: Yeah, that was me. I captured the Prince.

Lorenzo: Actually, it was me.

Horatio: I knocked him off his horse.

Lorenzo: But I sweet-talked him into surrender.

Balthazar: To be fair, they both beat me.

King: Okay, Lorenzo gets the Prince and Horatio gets his stuff. Sound good?

Both: Great.

Scene iii – Court of Portugal

Viceroy [of Portugal]: OH WOE IS ME. MY SON IS DEAD AND WE LOST THE WAR! Falls off throne

Alexandro: Uh, I heard he was still alive.

Viceroy: No, no, no. He’s dead. I’m sure of it.

Villuppo: Yeah, I saw them drag his body to their tent. He’s totes dead.

Alexandro: Actually, I really don’t think-

Viceroy: YOU JUST WANT MY CROWN!

Alexandro: Uh, I don’t actually-

Viceroy: TAKE HIM AWAY!

Villuppo: Bwah ha ha! I have deceived my king AND betrayed my enemy! What a good day it is.

Scene iv – Court of Spain

Bel-imperia: Tell me, Horatio. How did my beloved Don Andrea die?

Horatio: Well, he was, uh, fighting Balthazar. And Balthazar killed him. I took his scarf so I can wear it and be reminded him every day for the rest of foreverrr.

Bel-imperia: That was the scarf I gave him! You know… you’re kinda hot.

Horatio: Thanks… uh, you’re pretty good-looking yourself. Exit.

Enter Lorenzo and Balthazar

Lorenzo: Hey sis.

Bel-imperia: Hey bro.

Balthazar: Whoa, you’re kinda hot.

Bel-imperia: Yeah, I know. But I’m taken. Drops glove.

Horatio, entering, picks it up.

Horatio: Here you are, sweetums!

Bel-imperia: No, keep it.

Horatio: Hokay.

Lorenzo: Don’t worry, Balthazar. She’s totes into you, dude.

Horatio: Hey, the king is coming.

Enter King, Castile, and Ambassador.

King: See? We haven’t killed him – he’s in one piece.

Ambassador: I suppose I should tell the Viceroy that he’s not dead…

Balthazar: I am slain… by Bel-imperia’s beauty!

King: Barf. Save it till after the feast. Where is Hieronimo? He was going to entertain us!

Hieronimo: Here’s a story about an Englishman, because this play panders to the English, because the play was written by an Englishman.

King: Really? How interesting.

Hieronimo: Yeah, it’s true.

King: Alrighty, well, I think it’s time to hit the sack.

Scene v

Andrea: What?! Where’s all of the revenge? Blood? Gore?

Revenge: Be patient, grasshopper. Revenge will come.

Andrea: Hmph. It better.

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Who likes it? Who wants to see Act II?

Kudos go to my dear friend Siobhan, who reminded me today why I love her so much.



She ripped the first chapter of my new story to shreds. I love it when she does that.