Secrets

Shhh. Can I tell y'all a secret?

Come closer... I don't want to say it too loud.

I like to write fanfiction.

Oh, alright, that's the worst kept secret I've ever had. But it's mostly a secret to the general public because I feel like it's seen as supremely dorky, more so than a lot of things. It's one thing to be a lover of books... it's another to be a lover of books who writes stories about those books. It's also a secret from the blog... most of the time, anyway. I try to keep thoughts about my writing to myself, or post those thoughts elsewhere.

I feel quite embarrassed about it, despite the fact that my love of writing fanfiction has brought me into contact and helped forge connections with people who I never would have met before. Siobhan is the perfect example. I'll never forget the real conversation I had with Ally, where in the middle of a conversation about our favorite fanfics, she mentioned to me a story which, with no small amount of shock, I realized was one I had written. It brought home to me that real people read what I write, and so I strive every day to create things I am proud of and that I write things that are truly to the best of my ability at any given moment.

In the past almost eight years (yes, I am not only a writer of fanfiction, but I have been a writer of fanfiction for eight whole years) (...Or it will be eight years in about a month!) I have published a sum total of 204, 882 words. This is almost exactly the length of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, which I just googled to be 204,796 words. So take a look at that book on your bookshelf and that's how much fanfiction I've written.

(My first story, Not Knowing (which was published August 23, 2003 and finished June 10, 2006) is just a few thousand words short of the length of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. I'm staring at those two books on my shelf and kind of sitting back in awe.)

I haven't finished everything I have written. On my fanfiction.net profile, there are two glaring examples, stories which I began, but which I quite literally outgrew. I've published 19 stories, 5 of which are multi-chapter stories (3 of those are complete), and 14 of those are single-chapter short stories which range in length from 300-12,000 words. Some of those stories took mere minutes to write, some of them years.

The reason I'm blogging about this is that I've been thinking a lot about fanfiction lately. About two years ago, I got an idea for a new story from the barest glimpse of a picture in my head and a few passionate words: "Why do you keep doing this to yourself?" I hastily wrote three chapters of a prospective story then. I shared these chapters with Siobhan when I saw her over Christmas break in 2009. She told me I must write it, what was I waiting for?

So I did. It's taken me a year and a half, and although I am not quite finished yet (I still have to finish the last chapter, and I am considering writing an epilogue), I am almost there. I always get really weird when I finish a story. Imagine walking around in a haze of confusion, impatience, and accomplishment for a solid two or three weeks. All I want to do is share! Share with everyone! You, sir, do you know that I have written a story? Ask me about it - it's fantastic! You've never read a story like it.

It's not like I'm finished with the story itself. Oh, no. The story I have been writing is only the first third of a trilogy, which in itself is the most ambitious I've ever been. (It is interesting to have to consider the second and third parts while writing the first. It is a delicate operation, indeed!) Each story is from a different point of view, and so I suppose what I am truly mourning is the end of my main character. Her name is Lin - and I'm pretty sure she is the most autobiographical character I've ever written. I will miss her when she is gone, but it's not to say I'll never see her again. I'm pretty sure she'll put in an appearance in the third story.

I feel that here, I must vent for a moment: What frustrates me sometimes about telling people about my fanfiction is that because it is fanfiction it is seen as something less worthy than real fiction, easier even, because it is borrowing from a story that someone else has already told. I beg of you to not discount me and my writing because of this. The story I am finishing right now, with the exception of the setting, two main characters, and a few minor events mentioned, is entirely of my own creation.

Despite my frustration, I have a great deal of pride, looking at my fanfiction profile. While I am not necessarily happy with everything I have published (of course I am my own worst critic!) I realize that that profile is actually a portfolio of my passion. What it is, is the result of eight years of passion, dedication and creativity. Each and every word I write is handcrafted with love. Sometimes it's hard not to get lost in the numbers of reviews or readers of my stories, but ultimately it's about the craft, and not about the final product.

Edits aren't even close to being done, and I know that I have another few thousand words to go... but when all is said and done, I'll be adding another 40,000 or so words to my profile.

I hope I never forget how this feels.

P.S. In the middle of writing this blog, someone just added me to their "Favorite Authors" list. It honors me in ways I cannot possibly express!

A Feather in My Cap

Miss Emma was sick today, so Jenny called me this morning and told me I didn't have to go to work. Wondering what I could do to fill my afternoon with productive things, I went to my planner, which told me: "It's been 8 weeks since your last haircut! You can go get one now!" So off I trotted to the mall.

I love days with haircuts! Someone else shampoos my hair for me, I get to amuse myself making funny faces in the mirrors while I chat with the hairdresser, and I get a lollipop on the way out. In other words, it's like being FIVE again!

To show off my haircut (which I am rather pleased with!) I thought I would make some funny faces in the mirror, vaguely reminiscent of the myspace era.

How very myspacey of you, Stefanie in the Mirror! I love the awkward kissy lips, it definitely sets the photo off nicely. Oh, and what a nice haircut you have!

Why thank you, Stefanie of the Blogging. Would you like to see it closer!?! TAKE A LOOK!

Wow! That is SUPER CLOSE! Wait! Wait! What is THAT?!

There is definitely something wrong here... But what could it be?

There it is! I found it! It is THIS!

What IS it you ask? What could it possibly BE?


It is a feather. (Actually, three feathers).

And yes, they are in my cap.

(Here ends the photojournalismy portion of the blog.)

My hairdresser and I were talking about the feather fad floating around, which she said that she remembers being a thing when she was much younger. I don't doubt it - I know how things go in and out of style. I've seen a few girls around UT with them and I'd seen this video of someone getting them put in, so I asked a few questions, expressed sentiment that I couldn't possibly be cool enough for feathers in my hair, and our conversation moved on. (It is what all the cool cats do, I am sure.)

As she was straightening my hair at the end, my hairdresser brought up the feathers again, and convinced me that I was, indeed cool enough, (this was rather shocking: not many people vouch for my cool factor, you see), saying that I could take them out myself if I wanted, that it is not permanent, but would stay in almost as long as I wanted them to, and that she would do it for free.

And I said "YES. Why not? Put a feather on my head!" (Free things always do it for me.)

(In the past she has convinced me to get bangs in a similar manner. Slowly, so slowly, she is turning me into a "fashionable" person!)

And now I have a feather in my cap. I am pleased. Inexplicably, I also feel like my cool-factor has significantly upped since this morning. Haircuts may make me feel like I am five, but this feather makes me feel like the coolest third grader on the block. Maybe the whole neighborhood.

(Having a feather 'in my cap' also makes me think of this movie, which I could probably watch every day for the rest of my life and never tire of!)

(Enjoy that video. I hope it makes you smile.)

*Explodes*

Due Tuesday: My paper. (Which I did end up finishing. And which I really didn't think was good BUT I did do the assignment. Everyone else in the class had similar thoughts about their papers, which made me feel better.)

Thursday: Definitely having a "pop" reading quiz about our readings in my Bible class. Our professor warned us that we "shouldn't be surprised." So I made sure to read real closely. And boy am I glad I did... Because I discovered my favorite line EVER in this reading for tomorrow:

She is ashamed to think that he is aware of her presumption, for a certain modesty had prompted her to use intermediaries in achieving her purpose. So in her endeavor to excuse her temerity, she turns to him and says: "For your breasts are better than wine, smelling sweet of the best ointments." What she meant was: "If I seem to be high-minded, O my Bridegroom, you are responsible; you have honored me so greatly with the nurturing sweetness of your breasts, that by your love and not by my own temerity I have put aside all fear, and may seem to have been more daring than is proper. I do indeed make bold, but it is because I am convinced of your goodness, forgetful of your majesty." (Bernard of Clairvaux, from his 9th sermon on the Song of Songs)

Wow, really? She meant all of that? The rest of the next few pages followed similarly, after a good 10 pages of speaking of the line "Kiss me with the kiss of your mouth." Oh, Song of Songs. You are so risqué.

Due Friday: Grammar Portfolio (on which I have spent three hours working already tonight and to which I will probably try to devote another hour or so before my head explodes. So my head doesn't doubly explode tomorrow night.)

Due Friday: Extra credit (250 word) 'essay' (I use the term loosely, because of the whole 250-word thing) on King Lear.

On Friday: Shakespeare test over King Lear and Hamlet.

Due Monday: The other half of the Grammar portfolio, the group portfolio. (Much less stressful, as my group finished it today. But we're meeting on Sunday night to rewrite and compile.)

Because of the ridiculous amount of stress I'm feeling, I changed my background to this. It makes me smile. (They're SO CUTE!)

(Have I mentioned to yall my obsession with The Lord of the Rings? I don't know if yall knew that. Hah.)

Also, someone posted a picture of me at bat at softball the other night. Just thought I'd share!

I promise next week you'll be returned to your regularly scheduled programming that doesn't involve copious amounts of complaining. I don't have another hell week like this until the first week of May, the last week of classes...

Liveblogging: A Paper for My Bible Class

The following is a summary of approximately five hours of my life while I attempt to write a paper due on Tuesday. I hope it's not dreadfully boring. I find that if I have a little mental break every few minutes or so, it might as well be blogging about writing my paper! If I get on facebook/twitter too often, I am a goner.

Essay prompt: Apply the method of fourfold exegesis, as explained by Thomas Aquinas, to two passages of your choosing from our Scriptural reading to date: one from the Hebrew Scriptures, and one from the New Testament. With the aid of this exercise, critique this exegetical method in some respect: briefly indicate one or more flaws or insufficiencies (or at least potential weaknesses) that you see in it, as if positing a new objection to one of Thomas's articles.

7:20 - Arrive at Bennu Cafe, think of crying. Wonder what the hell I will be able to write about.

7:25 - Order drink, spoon off the whipped cream first, (Yummy!) Read prompt. Reread prompt. Consider crying again.

7:30 - Stare at Bible and wish that it would just speak to me the answer. Are there any burning bushes around to help?

7:31 - Reread prompt. Reread pdf of Thomas Aquinas' Quodlibet, from which the prompt comes.

7:40 - Google "Fourfold interpretation + Thomas Aquinas". A whole lot of nothing.

7:42 - Remember that a friend from Bible study loaned me "Knowing Jesus through the Old Testament". Celebrate silently in chair.

7:50 - Set up Thomas Aquinas' argument as bullet points, and find it suddenly makes more sense this way.

7:56 - Stare longingly at Bible and wish there was a sparknotes version that would hand me what I needed and eliminate the rest.

7:59 - Consider the sense of empowerment that the system of bullet points gives me, wonder if this is a normal thing for other people.

8:05 - Speed read a chapter or two of Knowing Jesus through the Old Testament and resign myself to going to Isaiah for my Old Testament verse, despite how much I really didn't like the book when I had to read it a few weeks ago. (Something about reading the endless text written in verse toward the end of the book really got to me.)

8:15 - Finding some good verses in Isaiah with which I think I can produce a significant amount of BS to write this paper. (The kind of interpretation I need to do is almost entirely made up of BS. I've gotten the impression it's about finding purely circumstantial evidence and making it seem like it was meant to be read that way all along.)

8:20 - Just found an opportunity to use one of my favorite Renaissance vulgarities: 'Zounds! (pronounced 'zoonds') It means "God's Wounds". Words like that littered the plays I read last Spring in my Renaissance Drama class.

8:26 - I've just realized it's fully dark outside, which means I have no excuse for not doing homework, darn it. It's just so hard to do work when it's light outside!

8:32 - Am I allowed to use Isaiah 53? That seems too easy. Way too straightforward... ?

8:38 - What bothers me about the prompt (which I summarized above) is that at one point he says "two passages of your choosing" and then later says "A hint which should go without saying: you will need to make use of more than two Scriptural passages overall." So which is it? Two? Or more than two?

8:40 - I think I found a good passage to write about: Isaiah 54 (1-3).

• Jerusalem, you have been like a childless woman, / but now you can sing and shout for joy, / Now you will have more children / than a woman whose husband never left her. / Make the tent you live in larger; lengthen its ropes and strengthen its pegs! / You will extend your boundaries on all sides; / your people will get back the land / that the other nations now occupy. / Cities now deserted will be filled with people

It seems appropriately ambiguous and I'll probably be able to milk a good 3 or 4 pages out of it. (and leave 1-2 pages for the second half of the prompt.) Perhaps the childless woman is also a virgin woman? Perhaps the husband who never left is God? Perhaps making the tent larger is a metaphor for God saying to spread the word to nonbelievers? And cities deserted are minds uninformed? (Now do you see what I mean about BS?) I'm sure I'll be able to find appropriate scripture in Acts (especially the sending off at the beginning of the book... I'll have to look that up again.)

8:52 - I rewarded myself finding my quote by letting myself have a little break to lurk on facebook for 10 minutes. Best 10 minutes of the night, easily.

8:57 - Uh-oh. The first 'Snark Attack' of the night just struck when I was writing down more detailed notes/thoughts about the passage. (In my list of possible verses to write about, I made a note s next to Isaiah 54 saying "Duh, winning!")

9:03 - I really prefer my Bible's translation to the one I have to use for class. (Acts 1: 8)

• My Textbook Bible ("New Revised Standard Edition"): But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.’
• My Bible ("Today's English Version"): But when the Holy Spirit comes upon you, you will be filled with power, and you will be witnesses for me in Jerusalem, in all of Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.

There are better examples, but I thought I would provide an example of a verse I'm actually using in my paper. Apparently, the NRSV is the most accurate translation. In my opinion, accurate translation is great, but isn't it all scripture anyway?

9:19 - I can't decide if I want to write this paper tonight or tomorrow night. On the one hand, it makes way more sense to get it over with. On the other hand, I can write a ton of notes tonight and take a day to synthesize my argument in my brain. (But I should probably at least write some of it tonight.)

9:21 - Dear Me, STOP CHECKING FACEBOOK. YOU CLOSED THAT TAB FOR A REASON. Sincerely, Me.

9:28 - In the bathrooms here there are gigantic chalkboards on the walls - It's encourages graffiti in a non-permanent fashion, I suppose. Someone had written part of the chorus of Ingrid Michelson's "You and I" (clicky the link to go to grooveshark to give it a listen!), which is currently one of my favorite songs. (They said "Let's get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France." I added the lyrics "Let's get rich and build a house on a mountain, makin' everybody look like ants.")

9:31 - Getting sick of listening to my alternative rock playlist, which usually serves me well while I write. (As an aside, one of my favorite songs to write papers to is "The Bird and the Worm" by The Used. Rock music inspires me to write faster. Also, I suppose I identify with the sense of despair. Hah.)

9:41 - Siobhan just tweeted something. Hooray, she is alive! (And now I go back to finding New Testament verses...) Ironically, we are both writing papers tonight. Except it is almost 4am where she is, so I am in less dire straits.

9:45 - Worrying that my chosen verse has too much to do with the Church and too little to do with Jesus. I AM DETERMINED to squeeze Jesus out of Isaiah! (<- Things I never thought I would say.)

9:54 - I'm having trouble finding specific verses in the New Testament that back my claim. It's not to say that they aren't there, just that they are hard to find.

10:06 - I found a good verse for the quote about strengthening pegs. Matthew 16:18, the one about Peter being the rock/foundation of the church. Success!

10:07 - I just quantified what the rest of my semester looks like: 4 weeks, 2 papers, 2 quizzes, 3 tests, 4 portfolios. Yuck.

10:18 - I just need to squeeze out 1200-1500 words on this essay. Putting it like that makes it seem like it ain't no thang. (I wrote 1667 words "a day" when I did NaNoWriMo.) My mantra will be: I am an English Major. I THRIVE on words.

10:34 - After more tweeting with Siobhan (she is so rarely about, I take advantage of when she is around. Sorry, people looking at my Twitter feed!) I have officially started to write my essay. My professor encourages getting straight to the point, but how do I do this? I am an English major, we don't get straight to the point!

10:52 - Almost finish writing the first of four interpretations of the Isaiah verse. I thank God that my powers of BS remain intact.

10:58 - Suck it! One page down! (I am an English Major, I THRIVE on words!)

11:08 - It is at times like these that I wish I could think in complete sentences. (I find that I tend to think in single words, short phrases, or very specific, rather small images. One of the reasons I like writing so much is that it is much easier for me to write in complete thoughts than to speak or think.) I am finding it hard to think of what the "childless woman" could represent. I don't think it is the Jewish people (since in the passage God is telling them they will remain fruitful, after all), but perhaps the time? Or perhaps it really is the city of Jerusalem, and the varied people within her - a stagnant, sinful time? Maybe the presence of the Romans in Jerusalem was what was making them temporarily barren? (Harshing their mellow, if you will.)

11:14 - I just ran out of songs on my genius playlist that I made for "The Bird and the Worm". Time for a new one! This time, "Lead Sails and a Paper Anchor" by Atreyu. (also one of my all-time favorites.)

11:24 - Someone added "Let us redefine what rich is" to the bathroom wall. Agreed, but obviously they don't know the song. (Also, I decided that Jerusalem was barren/childless because of the oppression of the Romans, and also the following century when their Temple was destroyed. Tons of turmoil for the Jews.)

11:29 - See Spot run. See Stefanie vomit up everything she's ever learned in every Theology class ever into one paper.

11:42 - Just wrote an email to my professor. I am a little confused about what to do with New Testament verses - do I include them in my exegesis of the passage from Isaiah or do I have a completely separate section for them altogether? (I am going to go with the first one for now, but if I get a response to the contrary, I will correct it.)

11:46 - My phone just buzzed in my pocket and nearly gave me a heart attack. I think if I can write another page or so I will be done for the night.

12:05 - Since I've just started really writing in circles (moreso than I probably should, even with THIS essay) I think I will call it a night, close my tab (for coffee, not alcohol!) and head home for to get to sleep.

Perhaps more on this paper tomorrow when I finish writing it... For now, I am le tired. Sleepy time please?

OH... I got a 92 on my test last Tuesday!