Questions for Authors

Last night, when I was at my Dad's house, we were talking about Ian McEwan (the author), who Dad used to know when he was at university. He has always expressed a feeling of regret that he lost contact with Ian after leaving school, and that someday he really should try and see him again. When he said this last night, I responded: Go for it! Also, take me with you! I'd like to ask him, "Dude. Seriously. What the fuck?"

To which Dad perplexedly asked: "What does that mean?"

It's hard to put into words exactly what that question means to me, and I am particularly fond of it in all its sharply punctuated vulgarity. I suppose it's kind of my reaction to the books I've read of his. I want to know what goes on in his head - is it a happy place? Does he enjoy making me cry? Does he enjoy screwing with his readers' brains? Does he know that I wandered around in a haze of confusion for a solid twenty-four hours after I finished The Comfort of Strangers?

I've been thinking all day about what questions I might ask to other authors (complaints, genuine questions, etc.), should I ever meet them. In the interest of the hypothetical, we're pretending like I could ask the dead ones these questions, too.

To J.K. Rowling: What about Harry's grandparents? Presumably they're all dead since Harry went to his aunt and uncle, but really - what happened to them?

To William Golding, (regarding Lord of the Flies): Did you just wake up one day and decide to finish the book? That was the most hastily cobbled-together ending I've ever read.

To John Milton: Do you honestly expect anyone to comprehend anything you write, or do you write that way so I have to read a single page five or six times on purpose?

To Garth Nix (regarding his Abhorson trilogy): What happened after Sabriel? I got so bored with the next two books that I stopped reading.

To Alison Croggon (regarding her Books of Pellinor): You do realize that Maerad is like eighteen and Cadvan is like two hundred and fifty. Right? (*I can't remember the exact ages, but the sentiment still stands.)

To Geoffry Chaucer: Why'd you have to go and DIE before you finished? COME ON. Literally, all bets were off when you never finished. Who won best story?

To J.R.R. Tolkien: Will you autograph my arm? And while you're doing that, will you tell me what happens in the fourth age of Middle Earth? Pleeeeeeeeease?

To Stephenie Meyer: I notice we share a name. How annoying does it get that nobody can spell it right? (Also, didn't you write some books or something once? How's that goin' for you?)

To Marianne Curley: What happened after the fall of the Citadel? I MUST KNOW.

To William Shakespeare: Would you mind spelling out the recipients and/or subjects of the sonnets? I'm getting sick of all this guesswork. (And while I'm asking, why did you write sixteen comedies when you could have written just one?)

To C.S. Lewis: Did you and Tolkien talk about your creation stories together? Because have you read each other's novels? They are hella similar.

To George Orwell: 1984 came and went, man, like almost three decades ago, and did you know none of that happened?

To Victoria Hanley: Can I have a hug? You seem like you give GREAT hugs. I'm sorry, I'm having a bit of a fangirl moment.

Some of these authors I'd like to ask followup questions to (or, I'll be honest, followup fangirl gushing), but I will limit myself to those for now. Perhaps I will do another one of these blogs in the future, because I've had a lot of fun thinking of these questions!

(I've linked to all of these authors, either to their websites or wikipedia pages... whichever popped up on google first!)